Of all things, not creating healthy boundaries has probably been my biggest learning curve of my life.
You know what kind of people have unhealthy boundaries? People pleasers. When you have no boundaries, your standards for everything get washed away in the sand too, and guess what? You become a master at settling for everything. Settling for shitty jobs and shitty relationships.
I remember being 15 and really wanting this new part time job. It meant of course that I’d have to quit my old one.
Quitting a job? Ahhhh. I couldn’t even sleep over the thought.
I didn’t know how to break it to my boss and let him down. As usual, all I could think about was the affect my decision would have on someone else, instead of worrying about the affect it had on myself and my own life. I did it finally, after putting it off for so long. I think I even did both jobs for awhile until I couldn’t do it anymore. So in true avoidance fashion, I pushed myself to the brink of collapsing by working two jobs and going to school, all because I was too scared to quit one of my jobs. I was scared to let my boss down.
What’s your number one fear on quitting your job? That you’ll have to start over? That you’ll have low seniority? That you’ll make less money? That you’ll lose your pension?
Its ok to start over. Money matters but it isn’t everything. Prioritize what matters and invest the rest. Take the pension you have and invest it. You’re not living for retirement. You’re living for right now. This is something society has ingrained in our heads. Work a shitty job for 30 years just so you can squeeze maybe another ten out in retirement. What? Find a career that you enjoy that doesn’t feel like working. Live like you’re already retired. It’s not an unattainable goal. Look around, people do it every day. People with balls. People who are taking risks in exchange for a better life. People who aren’t settling. This isn’t Kylie the melennial talking. This is Kylie the realist telling you that people are getting cancer and dying at 40, talking. Smarten up and start living for THIS.VERY.MOMENT.
And relationships. Sigh. How many times have you stayed in a relationship that you hated because you didn’t have the balls to tell someone they weren’t right for you? Even if you cared about them? I remember not wanting to have those talks. So often what happens is that we turn into assholes so that the other person has no choice to break up with us, so so we avoid doing it. Because in some crazy way we think it’s more appropriate to break up for those reasons, instead of just being honest and respectful to each other and part ways. Look at it this way, if you really have no intentions of building a relationship or a life with someone, then leave it- because you are BOTH missing out on someone great that could come along and serve you both so much better. EVEN if you have children. EVEN if you like their family. EVEN if you are good friends. If you aren’t right for each other, let each other go.
If you don’t learn how to walk away respectfully from jobs and relationships when you are younger, you will end up settling for a career you dislike your whole life and just coast until retirement, or you will live in a marriage where you are alone and unfulfilled. Sadly though, a lot of us have seen our parents live like this and we see other adults live like this. Our closest friends even. So we accept the standard even though it isn’t right. Divorce rate is high because we don’t take the time to experience relationships, and move on from them when they aren’t right. We settle and that’s it until we reach our breaking point. The breaking point could be drugs, alcohol, violence or other bad habits and behaviors that we choose to partake in ALL because we have gotten ourselves so tangled in the settlement mess that we think we can’t get out of.
The good news is that you can get out. You can always start fresh. But are you willing to realize this? Are you willing to stand up for what you want and put in the work to open the doors to the life you actually want, instead of the life you are willing to just settle for?
I don’t know how many times I was so angry with someone, or they were so out of line that instead of dealing with them, I cut them out of my life. Delete- block on Social media. Stopped returning their calls or texts. That’s what everyone says to do right? Just ignore and they’ll go away?
If the person is dangerous, well yes. But in most cases no.
I am at that point in my life where I’m not fazed anymore by people’s behaviours because there is a reason behind every action and it’s usually from hurt. If it’s not going well I want closure. If I was hurt or if I hurt someone without realizing, I want to talk it out. Usually we cut people out of our lives because we were hurt and our egos are too strong to deal with the issue at hand. Now I demand closure. And do you know what I’ve learned? Life can still go on without cutting them out. With closure, these people will eventually phase out of your life and you won’t have emotions hanging on the what ifs and the whys and unfulfilled expectations because you have dealt with them. You can look at that person and remember everything good about them, but know you detached from them in the healthiest way you could when they hurt you or when you realized they aren’t meant to be so close to you anymore. Almost all of the falling outs I’ve had with some close people when I was younger, I can’t even really remember the reasons we stopped talking. That’s why it’s so important to deal with hurt feelings right then and there. Deal with it. The other person might not be into it, but at least you know you tried.
Being passive aggressive is unhealthy and it will mentally make you sick.
You can also reserve time and space for you to let people go without them. Think about this person or meditate on this person. Have something of theirs, or just picture them. Say out loud, or write down every single thing you wish you could tell them. How they hurt you, or how you’re sorry, or how in this lifetime, you aren’t meant to be their friend or partner. Then let it go. Let them go. You might be surprised how differently you look at them after doing this. This is how you detach from people in a healthy way.
I hold firm to the belief that if you ever have loved someone, they will stay in your heart forever. And that’s ok. Despite what any future insecure partner might try to tell you. Because hearts just get bigger the more love you give and get. There’s always room. Keep people in your heart and wish them well. They don’t need to live in your life and be a part of it anymore because not all relationships last. But memories do. Having a past that experienced heartbreak, means you have loved someone before, and I truly feel that is one of the most important experiences of our lifetime. To have loved.
If you have fallen out of that love then you need to know how to move on and let them go. Respect yourself and the other person.
Love, careers, friendships…they should keep you growing, changing, moving towards your higher self.
If you feel you are stuck or sad or worse…settling, then it’s time to be brave. Breaking up with anything is one of the hardest things we will ever do. Breaking up with routine and habits are hard. But you know what’s harder? Living a life of what ifs. Living a life you settled for. Watching people live happier lives than you because you didn’t have the balls to change your life for something that lights your soul on fire and makes you happy. And not all happiness is the same from one person to the next. You don’t need to go on big lavish trips or go out to fancy parties every weekend to have an exciting life or to remind yourself you aren’t settling. Living your best life might mean just cuddling with your family on friday night watching a movie or playing games. It might mean finding an awesome trail that you take your dog on. It might mean learning a new sport and getting good at it. It all depends on you and what it is you want. Recognize what kind of a life you want. Picture yourself living it. Then go be brave and work hard at getting it. You might have some hiccups along the way, and if you’re lucky one of those hiccups might take you down a path that you didn’t even dream of living, and take you in an even better direction.
This is life. Enjoy it. Work hard for the one you want, and never, ever, settle.